Uncertainties

The first post to my online diary prepared for my journey to NYC.

Yes, no doubt, I'm excited and all. However, it is indeed a struggle to come up with this decision. I am not sure if I have made the right choice but no matter what, there is no room for regrets now and all I can do, is to look forward. I trust that God will lead me through this journey of uncertainty.

Today has certainly been an emotional day for me. A mixture of excitement and fear. I realised that this time I was more irrational that what I had expected myself to be. Just a day ago, I was bent on heading for the states. I know how rare this opportunity is and yes, despite objections from everyone, I insisted on my decision. I am not sure if this was an effort to prove that I can be independant or just a rash decision on my part. All I can say, is that the feeling is starting to settle in. The fear and sadness slowly but surely creeping up my bones.

I can't get to sleep tonight. Apart from my ultra-screwed biological clock, I guess my nerves are getting the better of me. After my phonecall with Chinny, I felt worried. His concern shook me a little as I am now clearer of the amount of uncertainties present in this "adventure". I know he is trying hard to support me and feel happy for me, just like my family, BUT i know through these 3 months away from home, these are the people who will be more worried than anything else. They have seen me through my thoughest times and its no doubt that they'll get worried. Hmmm, so trish, its up to you to assure them. I have to show them (and myself) that I have grown up and can take care of myself. Not sure how it's gonna work, but I'm sure it will! Have faith (:

It is funny how I already feel homesick before setting off!I can see myself hugging my nai nai and mummy in tears before I check into the departure gates... I can totally picture myself bringing many photos of mummy, daddy, yeye, nai nai, sis, and didi to the states. Pasting them all over my bedroom wall! I am starting to wonder... on the nights when I have nightmares, there will be NO mummy's bed/arms/quilt to crawl into. On the days when I'm feeling slightly lonely, there will be NO Chinny to call to. On the mornings when I am struggling to wake up, there is no yeye to say "Miss Tricia, kuai dian qi lai". And every evening, there will be NO daddy, sis or ryan messaging/calling me to ask what time I'll be home. There will be NO one waiting for me to return home. NO one to give me hugs or kisses or massages when I desperately need one. hmmmmmmm. Not sure how I'm gonna cope. Argh, why am I such a family girl.

So many times I have made unilateral decisions in my life and was momentarily happy with my "accomplishements" and "sense of control". But it always turns out to be something ugly and painful. I really hope that this time will be different. I don't know if it is a good thing that my family always gives in to me because I am really not sure if I am able to make mature, accurate decisions single-handedly. Episodes of my life have proved that I can't but this time round, I want to make things work out. Certainly, the multiple falls and struggles in life must have taught me something.

This is also the very reason why I started this subsidary online diary: to keep check of my feelings and to be constantly vigilant.

This trip can be referred as an exponential curve on my level of independence. To be frank, I really can't take care of myself. I'm not sure if throwing myself in the deep blue sea will force me to fight against the tides and swim back to shore. I really don't know. But I have faith that I can do this. I know I have to trust myself this time round. I know that I must be strong emotionally.. stronger that I have ever been. And that, no one can help me with.

So, let me face this with a brave heart, and STEP UP to this challenge. I'm sure it'll be a great experience! As i mentioned to Chinny, its all in the mind. If you think its gonna be boring... it definitely will be.

So BE HAPPY TRISH! It will be fine! God will be with me!